La versión en español está después de la versión en inglés.
We had good friends years ago, one was San Geraldo’s best friend he met through work at the time. I liked him, too. Neither of us, unfortunately, had the same feelings for his partner. We had been together less than 5 years when we met them. They had already been together 14. As charming, kind, and sweet as SG’s pal was, we found his partner to be pretentious, self-centered, and difficult. SG was able to maintain his friendship with the other because they saw each other at work all the time. When we got together with the two, it was usually strained.
We hosted a dinner for 12 and after dinner SG asked who wanted tea and who wanted coffee. The partner wanted tea. No problem. When SG asked what type of tea he wanted (we had a large selection), he asked what brand of tea it was. San Geraldo said “Twinings.” “Oh, I prefer silk if it must be bagged.” he muttered. “You need to remove the tea from the bag. I will not drink tea brewed through paper! And tea must be served in a China cup!” He had more copious instructions which SG followed to the letter, including of course the china cup since the entire meal had been served on our best China. We moved soon after and SG kept in touch with his friend who died only a few years later. He continued to be kind to the partner, but to no avail.
It seems to me it’s not uncommon to meet someone and be excited about a new friendship only to meet their partner and find it difficult. We’ve found it easier to be friends with singles, but have been lucky in recent years. I’m sure plenty of people have felt the same way about us. Love SG, can’t stand me, and vice versa. We’ve had friends over the years whose partners required a lot of work on our part. With a few we made the effort for years until, finally, something would occur that made us feel we could no longer maintain the pretense.
I’m ashamed to say I’m no stranger to ghosting because I just don’t have the heart to say to that friend, “I like you but I can no longer tolerate your partner.” Better they simply think I’m a jerk than know what I really think. At least that’s how I cope. How do you cope?
On a lighter note, SG and I were walking home from coffee yesterday and passed a small, 6-story building with renovations going on. I said, “Oh look, they’re getting new windows and doors.” SG peered across the street and asked, “Which apartment is it?” I said, “The one without any windows or doors.” (Actually, three windows had already been replaced.)
Teníamos buenos amigos hace años; uno era el mejor amigo de San Geraldo, a quien conoció en el trabajo por aquel entonces. A mí también me gustaba. Desafortunadamente, ninguno de los dos sentía lo mismo por su pareja. Llevábamos menos de cinco años juntos cuando los conocimos. Ellos ya llevaban catorce. A pesar de lo encantador, amable y dulce que era el amigo de SG, su pareja nos parecía pretenciosa, egocéntrica y difícil. SG pudo mantener su amistad con el otro porque se veían constantemente en el trabajo. Cuando nos reuníamos con ellos, la relación solía ser tensa.
Organizamos una cena para doce y, después, SG preguntó quién quería té y quién café. Su pareja quería té. No hubo problema. Cuando SG le preguntó qué tipo de té quería (teníamos una gran selección), preguntó qué marca era. San Geraldo dijo «Twinings». “Entonces está en una de esas bolsitas de té de papel baratas. Prefiero la seda si tiene que estar en bolsita. Tienes que sacar el té de la bolsita. ¡No beberé té preparado en papel! ¡Y el té debe servirse en una taza de porcelana!”. Tenía instrucciones más extensas que SG siguió al pie de la letra, incluyendo, por supuesto, la taza de porcelana, ya que toda la comida se había servido en nuestra mejor porcelana. Nos mudamos poco después y SG mantuvo el contacto con su amigo, quien falleció pocos años después. Siguió siendo amable con su pareja, pero fue en vano.
Me parece que no es raro conocer a alguien y entusiasmarse con una nueva amistad, solo para luego conocer a su pareja y encontrarlo difícil. Nos ha resultado más fácil ser amigos de solteros, pero hemos tenido suerte en los últimos años. Estoy seguro de que mucha gente ha sentido lo mismo por nosotros. Amo a SG, no me soportas, y viceversa. Hemos tenido amigos a lo largo de los años cuyas parejas nos exigieron mucho esfuerzo. Con algunos nos esforzamos durante años hasta que, finalmente, ocurrió algo que nos hizo sentir que ya no podíamos fingir.
Me avergüenza decir que no soy ajeno al ghosting, porque simplemente no me atrevo a decirle a ese amigo: “Me gustas, pero ya no soporto a tu pareja”. Mejor que piensen que soy un imbécil a que sepan lo que pienso de verdad. Al menos así es como lo llevo. ¿Cómo lo llevas tú?
En un tono más ligero, ayer SG y yo volvíamos a casa después de tomar un café y pasamos por un pequeño edificio de seis plantas en reformas. Dije: “Mira, están poniendo ventanas y puertas nuevas”. SG miró al otro lado de la calle y preguntó: “¿Qué apartamento es?”. Le dije: “El que no tiene ventanas ni puertas”. (De hecho, ya habían cambiado tres ventanas).
Not on topic, but that photo of Moose made me laugh out loud and say “Oh my gawd, that cat!”
Debra:
Oh, the faces! He makes me happy.
We have had a couple of couple friendships where one half was fun and friendly and the other half not so much. Our solution was to see them only when other people were around so we didn’t have to focus on them.
One story of that couple: the unfriendly kept saying, even after months of Carlos and I being together, that he’d forgotten my name. I know, ‘Bob.’ so hard to remember. Well, we had a friend of mine, Carissa, visiting from California and she overheard him again asking my name. Later on at dinner she kept saying his name wrong and finally he said, ‘My name is Maynard. It’s not that hard to remember.’ and Carissa said, ‘Neither is Bob.’
After that he oddly enough never “forgot” my name.
Bob:
We managed for those few years with them both. It was easy to be pleasant for those few years. A dinner, a dinner party. Although I was in awe of SG’s tolerance with the tea. I would have gone in the kitchen, dunked the tea bag in the cup, and been done with it.
How people like that end up as anyone’s partner, I can never understand… nor can I understand how they get to be so obnoxious to begin with.
Judy C:
And the other friend worshipped the ground he walked on. We never know what goes on behind closed doors.
I can totally agree with you on that. I would say half the couples I know have more dramas than the singles I know. And it’s usually like you said it takes one of them.
What would have been funny is if San Geraldo would have went in and made the tea in a China cup with the twinlings and then served it in a China cup just to see if that guy would have noticed a difference. Now that would have been funny if he said that was the best tea he ever had! Of course knowing that guy, he probably would have followed him in the kitchen to supervise the making of it
Mistress Borghese:
SG amazed me that evening. Like you, I would have poured the boiling water right over the tea bag in a ceramic mug and, like you, transferred it to China before serving.
“Which apartment is it?” I said, “The one without any windows or doors.” That is the most precisely logical thing I’ve heard in quite some time.
Anonymous:
SG laughed and said the same.
“If they ever shoot you through the brain, I’ll complain.”
Oh dear. I should hope so.
It can be hard for couples to make couple friends. The story about SG’s friend’s partner made me cringe though. Are you kidding me? What a jerk.
We have one very, very dear couple who are our friends. It works out quite well. I think we all love each other very much. We’ve all been through a lot together. It is a rewarding relationship and one that brings joy.
Maria Luna
Maria Luna:
I love the lyrics to the song. We are fortunate now to have friends we love equally. I did have one friend whose partner we always were kind to but were simply tolerating. The friend and I would often get together on our own, so that was fine. Just before we moved, the shit hit the fan with the partner. I didn’t want to get into it with my friend because I knew it would be hurtful to them. Once we moved here, however, every FaceTime call I had with the one included the other (who insisted on being there) and it became torture. I feel badly about the ghosting but telling the real reason would be too hurtful to them both. Sorry to be so cryptic. (It wasn’t anything sexual.) If you ever get sawn in half, I won’t laugh!
And if you ever got lost at sea, I’d search for thee.
That twat of a partner would gave ended up with the tea in his lap! Yes, like everyone here, we have had several instances of “love you, can’t stand him” over the years. It’s difficult. Jx
PS Chita Rivera! What a sad loss to the world she was…
Jon:
She was one of a kind. Just watching this little video, you can appreciate the range of her talents.
Jon:
Yes. SG’s grace shocked me. I would have at least gone into the kitchen and poured boiling water right onto the tea bag.
I love it when cats lie around with their tongues protruding like that.
Your friend’s partner sounds like a PITA, to put it mildly. I can’t imagine making those kinds of demands from people who are serving me dinner in their home! Astonishing.
I had a friend at the NYT whose partner was a bit of a pill. He wasn’t as bad as your friend’s partner but he was quite imperious. I always managed to make it work, and in fact when my friend (his partner) died we stayed in contact for several years. I haven’t heard from him lately and I’ve let things take their natural course.
Steve:
I don’t think I’ve seen Dudo with his tongue out. I might have to browse my photos. Moose is adorable. The partner was, yes, a PITA. He was also jealous of SG’s relationship with the other. That sure didn’t help. We saw them often and managed fine. But, as you can tell, it took quite a bit of patience at times.
The tea incident might have tipped me over the edge. There are times my patience wears thin.
Kelly:
Mine, too. The tea incident was a turning point in our feelings about him, but we continued to have a good relationship with them. I was astounded by SG’s smiling demeanor during the tea incident. What a trooper.
Scoot, my first response to the rude gentleman would probably have been to turn my big, brown, vulnerable somebody kicked my puppy bovine orbs on him and say “Really? I’ve never heard of tea made of silk! Do you use free range worms for that or are the little suckers caged?”. I then would’ve served him canned iced tea in a red solo cup. All with a friendly smile of course. I’m shy but I can be triggered under the right circumstances.
What does it say about me that when I read the title of this post I immediately started singing that song? Old I guess.
Deedles:
I would have been passive aggressive, smiling at his orders and then going into the kitchen and pouring boiling water over the tea bag in a mug before returning with a perfect cup of tea in a China cup. What does it say about me that when I thought of the word Friendship I immediately started sing the song (and haven’t stopped)?
Even older, I guess? I actually know this song because of an episode of I Love Lucy.
Deedles:
Yes! I almost included that video.
I think it’s very difficult for all the people to like each other. I’ve had the experience where a husband has been very rude to me, and after that I arranged only daytime meetings with my friend, his wife. It’s more tricky when I liked the husband, couldn’t stand the wife!
Singles are just easier to manage with. I don’t ghost people, because I’d be in agony in their place, but I taper off.
Boud:
We had one set of friends where it was easy to separate the two. The one and I became friends through work; they were a free-lancer I hired for projects. So we would regularly get together during the work day, for lunch or coffee. That became problematic after we moved here. Then every FaceTime call with my good friend became a threesome and the partner would dominate the calls. I, too, taper off instead of just suddenly ghosting but it does eventually become ghosting. I’ve make it sound like it’s my modus operandi, but I’ve only done it twice. Both still painful.
Guess we are not alone with the ‘couple dilemma’…..has happened to us once. How did we cope? Well, we had to ‘ghost’ them. Hated to do that because one of the guys was a great fellow but it was the easiest way at that time. One of those things……
Jim:
I’ve been in the midst of one of those situations since our arrival in Spain. It still pains me but better I think than saying, I finally decided I can’t stomach even a moment with your obnoxious partner (whom she adores). He did a couple of things before we left the States that so offended us and I doubt she even knows about.
The story about SG and the windows reminded me of a conversation that occurred while driving around in Hawaii. My nephew who was 13 at the time, said that he would love to live in Hawaii because it’s summer 12 months out of the year, and his sister Cristina, 13, responded “ so what happens the rest of the year?” That statement has remained a constant reminder when teasing her about the strange answers that she at times gives…
Anonymous(?):
This is a hilarious story. Poor Cristina will never live it down, I’m sure.
I am trying to think if we ever had difficult friends, in a way yes, Will has a lot of ex-colleague and a couple of them are bitter and unpleasant, so Will can meet them but I refuse to go because I cannot stand them.
larrymuffin:
We’ve had some of those old friends of one or the other that could not be tolerated. Eventually, those side friendships petered out.
Moose is so adorable, Scoot, I just wanna hug the stuffing outta him!
As for friends with “difficult” partners, I’m civil and polite, but I reserve my energy and interest for my friends.
Tundra Bunny:
Getting caught up on comments I somehow missed. Yep, I’m civil and polite, too, unless they push to the point of no return. I want to hug the stuffing out of Moose, too. Not something he loves, although he does let me hug him a little bit now.
I suspect I get ghosted more than I myself ghost, and I drink Lipton!
Kirk:
Oh, yeah, I’ve been ghosted, too. Lipton is good as breakfast tea with milk.