A black eye / Un ojo negro

La versión en español está después de la versión en inglés.

SAN GERALDO PICKED UP PIZZA for dinner last night. He asked, “Should I stop at the bakery and pick up something for dessert?” I think I may have responded, “Yes.” The top photo is what he picked up. Being such responsible adults, we saved the chocolate for after lunch today — and I still woke up with reflux at 4 a.m.

I tried Fuengirola’s National Police/Foreigner’s Office website again today and I was able to schedule our appointments to renew our residency cards. What a surprise! Next Monday.

One of today’s photos (I think you’ll know which one) reminded me of a story many of you may have heard about my old work friend Arnie. Arnie arrived at the office one Monday with a black eye. When I asked what happened, he said, “I was at church and when we all stood up during the service, I noticed that the woman in front of me had her dress stuck up in her butt crack. So, I reached forward and pulled it out. But, you wouldn’t believe it. She turned around and punched me! And there I was trying to be helpful.” Arnie wasn’t the sharpest tack in the box. The following Monday he came into work with matching black eyes. “What the hell happened now? Church?” I asked. “Yeah,” he said. “Same woman was in front of me. We all got up to pray and the same thing happened.” “You pulled her dress out of her butt a second time, Arnie?!?” “Of course, not! But the guy next to me did. So I told him she didn’t like it that way and I shoved it back in.”

OK, it’s not really a true story and I never worked with anyone named Arnie. It’s a joke my old friend Mary told me in the ’70s. And I know when you read the title, you assumed I had another mishap. Hah!

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SAN GERALDO RECOGIÓ PIZZA PARA cenar anoche. Preguntó: “¿Debería pasar por la panadería y comprar algo de postre?” Creo que pude haber respondido “Sí.” La foto superior es la que recogió. Siendo tan adultos responsables, guardamos el chocolate hasta después de almuerzo hoy — y todavía me desperté con reflujo a las 4.

Probé nuevamente el sitio web de la Policía Nacional/Oficina de Extranjería de Fuengirola y pude programar nuestras citas para renovar nuestras tarjetas de residencia. ¡Qué sorpresa! El proximo lunes.

Una de las fotos de hoy (creo que sabrás cuál) me recordó una historia que muchos habrás escuchado sobre mi viejo amigo del trabajo Arnie. Arnie llegó al trabajo un lunes con un ojo morado. Cuando le pregunté qué sucedió, dijo: “Estaba en la iglesia y cuando todos nos pusimos de pie durante el servicio, me di cuenta de que la mujer frente a mí tenía el vestido pegado en la raja del trasero. Entonces, extendí la mano y lo saqué. Pero no lo creerías. ¡Se dio la vuelta y me golpeó! Y ahí estaba tratando de ser útil.” Arnie no fue la táctica más aguda de la caja. El lunes siguiente llegó al trabajo con ojos negros a juego. “¿Qué diablos pasó ahora? ¿Iglesia?” Yo pregunté. “Sí,” dijo. “La misma mujer estaba frente a mí. Todos nos levantamos a rezar y sucedió lo mismo.” “¿¡¿Le sacaste el vestido del trasero por segunda vez, Arnie?!?” “¡Por supuesto no! Pero el tipo a mi lado lo hizo. Así que le dije que a ella no le gustaba así y lo volví a meter.”

De acuerdo, no es realmente una historia real y nunca trabajé con nadie llamado Arnie. Es una broma que me contó mi vieja amiga Mary en los años 70. Y sé que cuando leíste el título, asumiste que tuve otro accidente. ¡Ja!

• If we all had Smart cars, just think of the extra parking. However, I don’t like chewing on my knees when I drive.
• Si todos tuviéramos coches Smart, solo piensa en el estacionamiento adicional. Sin embargo, no me gusta masticarme las rodillas cuando conduzco.
• Did you ever have underwear that rode up into your crack? Do you remember how annoying that was? And, no, I didn’t try and pull it out.
• ¿Alguna vez tuviste ropa interior que llegara hasta tu grieta? ¿Recuerdas lo molesto que fue eso? Y no, no intenté sacarlo.
• The diaper (training pants) style is growing on me.
• El estilo de los pañales (pantalones de entrenamiento) está creciendo en mí.
• I didn‘t get that in church! You should have seen the other guy… after Dale beat him up. (Baseball accident really.) But Dale still beat him up.
• ¡No obtuve eso en la iglesia! Deberías haber visto al otro tipo … después de que Dale lo golpeara. (Accidente de béisbol en realidad). Pero Dale aún lo golpeó.

Author: Moving with Mitchell

From Brooklyn, New York; to North Massapequa; back to Brooklyn; Brockport, New York; back to Brooklyn... To Boston, Massachusetts, where I met Jerry... To Marina del Rey, California; Washington, DC; New Haven and Guilford, Connecticut; San Diego, San Francisco, Palm Springs, and Santa Barbara, California; Las Vegas, Nevada; Irvine, California; Sevilla, Spain. And Fuengirola, Málaga..

29 thoughts on “A black eye / Un ojo negro”

  1. I think SMART has given up on the USA market, the cars are cute, and easy to park, but they cost as much as a real car. As I recall they are surprisingly roomy inside for one or two people. Nice chocolate.

    1. David:
      I had no idea about the price. I love the look of Twizys even more. We don’t see many of either, especially lately.

    1. Steve:
      Oh, no, not Arnie. He was the director of the summer camp where I worked through high school and part of college. Eww! We have one place we use for take-away pizza. Thin crust and always sits pretty well with me. Then there’s an organic restaurant we like. They make the best pizza dough and it never gives me reflux.

  2. Ohhhhh how I chuckled today with the “so I shoved it back in” story!
    I loved reading about Lilly yesterday, and then I clicked to go to the older post about the visit to the ceremony… oh, my heavens… what a way to start my morning, laughing out loud!

    What is that yellow/ orange pastry deligth??

    1. Judy C:
      You make me happy! I can’t remember what that orange pastry is called (I knew at one time). It’s an egg yolk custardy kind of thing. Delicious. I’d say it was worth the reflux, but nothing really is worth the reflux.

  3. If you’ve got, flaunt it? They all had it, although not all of it was flaunt-worthy. Hope you are flaunting your new residency card soon!

    1. Wilma:
      Now I have to hope I can get a document saying, although my residency card is expired, I have been renewed.

  4. Your so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that reminds me of the time at the store and I was measuring a handsome man for a inseam. He replied he only wanted socks.

    Those Smart cars scare the hell out of me. They have to be a death trap. One good hit and your done!

    1. Mistress Borghese:
      Don’t you need to know how high the socks should go… to avoid chafing?

      I was in a Smart car in Las Vegas, driven I discovered while careening down the highway in the dark, by a raging drunk colleague. It was frightening. Not a great introduction.

  5. Sure, sure, it’s the diaper style that’s growing on you! The joke was funny. I don’t understand people who prefer butt floss to panty lines. I could go on and on, but due to popular demand, I won’t.

    1. Deedles:
      Thongs and those crack-riding other styles are really IN (in every sense of the word) this year. I can’t imagine them being comfortable, but I haven’t seen anyone tugging on them as they walked. Blech.

  6. Can you imagine driving a Smart Car on the WDC beltway? Reminds me of some lyrics in that Mary Chapin Carpenter song:
    Sometimes you’re the windshield
    Sometimes you’re the bug…

    I can see why the “training” pants are growing on you…considering the “models” you keep showing us…so unlike most of the coin slot fellows. Don’t even get me started on the flosswear…

    1. Mary:
      For me, Smart cars and Twizy are vehicles for tooling around town (and parking). I would never take one on the highway.

  7. The Smart car wins the day!!

    oi could never drive one though, because I get very strong La-z-boy on wheels vibes.

    1. Bob:
      I agree about the Smart car. A Twizy looks like a toy car and I’d love to try one out, but they’re not the cars for me… unless every other person on the road was driving the same thing.

  8. Smart cars didn’t make it big in Canada either: too slow and hard to see in busy city traffic or a hazard to themselves on the highways. I watched a double tandem Semi truck pass a Smart Car on the Trans-Canada Highway one time. The roof of the Smart Car barely came up to the Semi’s axles and it almost got sucked into the vortex behind the passing truck. Then the air vortex dissipated and the Smart Car was almost blown off the highway and into the ditch!

    1. Tundra Bunny:
      Smart cars and the like would only be safe if that’s all there was on the road.

  9. “Something for dessert?” I think I may have responded, “Yes.” — HAHAHAHAHA, you wag!

    I’ve only had a shiner once, when I was about 10 or 11 years old. The boy down the street hauled off and hit me in the face with his metal lunch box on the way to school. And it was right before the 4-H Valentines Day Tea when all of we girls had to dress in our 4-H uniforms and serve tea at the Community Hall! Oh no! My Mom did her best to hide my shiner with foundation makeup. She didn’t want anyone to think I’d got that black eye at home! Gawd, the ordeals of childhood. I mean the 4-H Valentines Day Tea, of course.

    1. Debra:
      I knew exactly where you were going with the “ordeals of childhood.” Bad enough to have to go to the 4-H Tea, but with foundation makeup no less!

  10. Smart cars, in my book, are not smart at all. Happy they are getting out of fashion.
    Funny Arnie story! Took me along for a bit! lol

    1. Jim:
      I love the idea and practicality of Smart cars, but now when most of the other cars on the world could swallow them whole.

    1. larrymuffin:
      It’s nice how certain jokes stick with one and evolve over the years.

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