La versión en español está después de la versión en inglés.
Thursday was a great day despite my unpleasant experience at the National Police. I maintained my composure. I laughed at the ugly behavior of the woman who “helped” me when I picked up my new ID card. I was in a good mood in the evening and had an interesting dinner out with San Geraldo, and a nice walk home.
Yesterday, all I had to do was go with SG at 1:00 to pick up his ID card. We had not one single problem. I was tense while we were there and hated that I even had to look at that awful officer. I obsessed about her while we waited and was relieved we didn’t “have” her. Still, I was down all day and had a major crash at home after lunch, spending the afternoon in bed. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was having such a bad time. Nothing had gone wrong. I was feeling physically well. And then, finally, I got it.
I spent my childhood and early adult life being verbally abused by both my parents. My father could be especially cruel and was more often cruel than kind; apparently his father had been the same towards him. As a child, I was terrified of him. As I grew older, I was only terrified of his anger. My mother was hot and cold. The cold could be brutal and continued late into her life. Clearly that abuse is lodged deep inside. I know it is. I’ve read all about the crushing damage verbal abuse can do.
I finally realized the officer’s behavior, the anger, the raised voice, the insults, the look of pure loathing and disgust on her face, dredged up all those memories. It was a delayed reaction. And once I woke up to what was behind my mood, the mood improved. Scarred for life and still learning. Still learning is the most important part.
El jueves fue un gran día a pesar de mi desagradable experiencia en la Policía Nacional. Mantuve la compostura. Me reí del mal comportamiento de la mujer que me “ayudó” cuando recogí mi nueva identificación. Por la noche, estaba de buen humor y tuve una cena interesante con San Geraldo, y un agradable paseo a casa.
Ayer, solo tuve que ir con SG a la 1:00 a recoger su identificación. No tuvimos ningún problema. Estuve tensa mientras estuvimos allí y odiaba tener que mirar siquiera a esa horrible agente. Me obsesioné con ella mientras esperábamos y me alivió no tenerla. Aun así, estuve decaída todo el día y me desplomé en casa después de comer, pasando la tarde en la cama. No entendía por qué lo estaba pasando tan mal. No había pasado nada. Me sentía bien físicamente. Y entonces, por fin, lo entendí.
Pasé mi infancia y mi juventud siendo abusada verbalmente por mis padres. Mi padre podía ser especialmente cruel, y a menudo era más cruel que amable; al parecer, su padre había sido igual con él. De niño, le tenía terror. Al crecer, solo me aterrorizaba su ira. Mi madre siempre era fría y fría. La frialdad era brutal y continuó hasta bien entrada su vida. Claramente, ese abuso está profundamente arraigado en mí. Lo sé. He leído todo sobre el daño devastador que puede causar el abuso verbal.
Finalmente me di cuenta de que el comportamiento de la oficial, su ira, su voz alzada, los insultos, su expresión de puro odio y asco, desenterró todos esos recuerdos. Fue una reacción tardía. Y una vez que desperté y vi lo que había detrás de mi estado de ánimo, este mejoró. Marcado de por vida y aún aprendiendo. Aprender es lo más importante.
• He oído hablar muy bien de este restaurante mexicano. Aún no lo hemos probado.
• Fotografiado en Sevilla en 2011. Todavía mis aldabas favoritas.
• Afuera de un taller mecánico. (Es San Geraldo, en el cajero automático).
• ¿Es famoso el cagón con el bate de béisbol? ¿Debería saber quién es?
• De buen gusto y por sólo 14,99 €
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I can sympathise. My relationship with my father was good up until I was about 13 when my parents relationship fell apart. They didn’t divorce but after that he would vent his spleen on myself and my sister though not as much on our younger brother. Whoever he picked that day would be the victim of verbal abuse usually starting at dinner and continuing after. Once I became an adult I cut off contact with both my parents for several years. I’m glad you clicked as to why you crashed. Understanding is the first step to overcoming.
ellen abbott:
How tragic that your relationship changed like that. It still amazes me how deeply rooted the damage can be.
Finding the triggers, can help push them away. Enjoy the weekend.
David Godfrey:
I would have thought the triggers would be gone by now.
Old triggers can be activated when we least expect them. Good you recognize them for what they are, it diminishes their power over you.
Debra:
Now I just have to recognize them sooner. Maybe by the time I’m 80!
Sometimes a little something happens during the day and it takes you right back to those painful times. But this: “Scarred for life and still learning. Still learning is the most important part” is the best thing you can take away from this post.
My parents were lovely and loving, but my father could be distant and my mother as well; not all the time, and not often, but those times I remember every so often and still feel the hurt. In high school I was quite shy, very few friends, never joined anything and for some unexplainable reason I applied to be a part of the yearbook class. I was accepted and then the second year I was chosen to be the editor. I was so excited and on the way home, my mother had picked me up that day for some reason, I blurted out that I was chosen editor and my mother said:
“Doug Doan got into West Point.”
That killed me; making me feel like no matter what I did someone was always better.
Bob:
In my mother’s family, all the cousins were always compared to each other. It was a constant competition. A truly ugly competition. We grew up together and were never friends. The few cousins I’m close with now are from the next generation.
Do you even care what Doug Doan is doing now?
Maybe the hateful woman had a similar upbringing to yours and that’s what’s made her the way she is. Be thankful you’ve moved on and have so much love and support around you now. Keep healing.
Interesting knockers and lovely fan.
Kelly:
I used to try to forgive by thinking about what others had gone through to make them behave the way they do. I’m no longer so forgiving. That fan had such refinement. The colors were rich, too.
I hear you about the delayed trauma reaction. Good for you for realizing what was happening to you. Accept a warm hug from Boud to your inner little boy.
Boud:
My inner little boy thanks you!
I could write a book that would make Stephen King proud. Hugs, Scoot.
Deedles:
It would probably break my heart to read that book. Unless it’s a sci-fi revenge fantasy.
Owning a fan like that could snap me out of any trauma! Jx
Jon:
And all for only €14.99!
Yes my father could be also very distant and cruel and very cutting in his words with all people including me. Never understood why he did that, all of his anger was about work and the people at work. We got to be the punching bag. He also felt that we 3 children were holding him back. My mother late in life one day said to me, this guy (Dad) should never had married. It says a lot.
larrymuffin:
Wow! Your mother’s statement is astounding.
Sorry for your struggles but happy you dealt with them in a positive way. I am hoping today’s parents are more aware of their impact on their children.
Jim:
I’ve witnessed so many public parent/child scenes that make me cringe.
If we could live a thousand years I doubt we’d completely “get over” the damage done to us in childhood. I once talked to a therapist on the phone whom I was thinking of going to and she told me that she was completely healed from her own childhood sexual abuse.
I knew that was a lie. I did not become her patient.
But it does indeed help to be able to recognize where the emotions and feelings come from. Doesn’t fix them but it sure does make us feel more in control somehow.
You are a beautiful person and you have been since you were a joyous baby boy. I wish you had been loved the way you deserved. I would wish that for all of us.
Moonsigh.
Moonsigh:
I would wish the same for you. And, again, I’m so glad we found each other!
I had a good childhood for the most part, but my father could be very Archie Bunker and authoritative. he could get impatient and cranky and mean. I only recall twice he might have went to hit me. We had a blow up about something, And recall saying to him if he hits me, it might be his first and last time to do so. By time the second time came around he thought twice. My father happened to be 28 years my mother’s senior…and in my teens I think he knew I could have knocked him down on his ass.
I don’t know where I get it from, but I have always been able to defend myself and won’t take any shit. Must be a drag queen thing, lol!
Mistress Borghese:
Many drag queens do seem to have a power, or at least an attitude, that I never had. As a teen I did find my voice but, by that time, the other voices in my head were very strong as well.
I’ve dealt with the same kinds of triggers.
Kirk:
Some verbal abuse is so difficult to overcome. Hope you’ve found ways.
So glad you could identify the “why” for your feelings. That seems like such a win, especially since you totally held your own during the actual encounter (and in a second language)! I hope the realization will come more quickly every time these situations come up. Olivia
Thanks, Olivia! I hope so, too.
Your father sounds a lot like mine. He could be very cruel and cutting, and I still have some really bad memories. And like you, sometimes I get these flashbacks from a certain trigger and later on I realize that is why I am feeling depressed. I actually don’t think my father really even liked me. But I do think that his hurtful comments helped me become a better teacher because he made me really aware of how hurtful words can be. Thanks for sharing your story. It is sometimes hard to talk about for me, even to this day.
Michael:
Late in my father’s life, I understood that he loved me but so much damage had been done neither of us knew how to undo it, and he never addressed our history. But I know, like my mother’s, the love was something that could be given and always taken away. They both made me, also, aware of how hurtful words can be.
Oh,geeze, Mitchell, that is so lousy. That woman is cruel, and it’s no wonder that it affected you that way.
Judy C:
Just when I think I’m tough! But I’m fine now. Thanks.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Really horrible. (Both in the case of your parents and the National Police officer.) Would it be an option to write a letter of complaint to the local chief of the National Police? Would that help, or simply prolong your emotional backlash?
Steve:
I thought about it, but then as you said thought it would probably simply prolong the stress. Maybe by the time I have to renew my card, she won’t be there or at least I’ll know what to expect.
I’m sorry you have such sad memories of your parents, and that the jerk of a clerk triggered old emotions. I’ve begun to be able to hold in my head when someone is rude to me, “you have no power over me.” It’s a lifelong process, for sure. Chin up!
–Bonnie in Minneapolis
Bonnie in Minneapolis:
Among the painful memories of my parents, there are also good ones. I’m lucky in that respect.