Bettah now / Mejor ahora

La versión en español está después de la versión en inglés.

WHEN WE LIVED IN GEORGETOWN in Washington D.C., the front desk person in our building was a pleasant older gay man named William. I was all of 29 years old, so by “older,” I mean older than me. He could have been in his mid-40s or his late 50s for all I knew (kind of how younger people look at me now — if you add a decade). Our apartment had a private entrance, so I didn’t see William regularly, but when I did, I would always greet him and ask, “How are you, William?” He would always respond in his southern drawl, “Bettah now.”

I never had a clue what he was talking about. I wonder if I could have been any more dense. Anyway, William came to mind this morning when I got out of bed and headed to the beach for a walk. I thought, ‘Well, I guess I’m doing a bit bettah now.’

My computer continues to be uncooperative and none of the online solutions work. I’m about to reinstall Photoshop. But at least I don’t feel like tossing my iMac off the terrace (today).

When I sat on the beach last weekend, I saw two beach monitors strolling along keeping an eye on things. They stopped with their backs to me and one of them wagged his finger at a young guy who was standing in the water with four women friends. The guy held up his hand and displayed a joint. The monitor shook his head dramatically. I had seen the group splashing around earlier. I wondered how he had lit up that joint. There must have been a plastic bag involved. Anyway, he left the water and spoke briefly with the two monitors and then headed to his towel, taking a couple of tokes before putting the joint out and stashing it in his bag. I don’t know if smoking is permitted on the beach but apparently it’s not permitted in the water. The guy did appear stoned. He stopped at two different groups of people before finding his towel. The people he stopped at first were all in chairs with umbrellas. His towel was among four others. No chairs. No umbrellas. No people (they were all in the water). I haven’t done that since Georgetown (oh, I’ve lost track of my towel plenty of times, but I haven’t smoked pot).

My legal ones (prescriptions) get renewed every six months, at which time I have to see my doctor. This is part of the public health system. We do much of our health management through our private health insurance, but prescriptions are covered by the public system. Anyway, last week I went online and made an appointment with my doctor so I could renew my prescriptions. As a result of the request, I was scheduled for a telephone consultation instead of in-person. My doctor just phoned me and all my prescriptions are renewed. Public health. I am so impressed.

And we are still so grateful for Mesón Salvador. Dinner there Monday night was the highlight of the week.


CUANDO VIVIMOS EN GEORGETOWN EN Washington D.C., la persona de la recepción en nuestro edificio era un agradable hombre gay mayor llamado William. Yo tenía 29 años, así que por “mayor” quiero decir mayor que yo. Podría haber tenido entre 40 y 50 años por todo lo que sabía (algo así como la gente más joven me mira ahora, si agrega una década). Nuestro piso tenía una entrada privada, así que no veía a William regularmente, pero cuando lo hacía, siempre lo saludaba y le preguntaba: “¿Cómo está, William?” Él siempre respondía en su acento sureño, “Mejor ahora”.

Nunca tuve idea de lo que estaba hablando. Me pregunto si podría haber sido más denso. De todos modos, William vino a mi mente esta mañana cuando me levanté de la cama y me dirigí a la playa a dar un paseo. Pensé: “Bueno, supongo que estoy haciendo un poco mejor ahora”.

Mi ordenador sigue sin cooperar y ninguna de las soluciones en línea funciona. Estoy a punto de reinstalar Photoshop. Pero al menos no tengo ganas de tirar mi iMac de la terraza (hoy).

Cuando me senté en la playa el fin de semana pasado, vi dos monitores de playa paseando vigilando las cosas. Se detuvieron de espaldas a mí y uno de ellos movió su dedo hacia un joven que estaba parado en el agua con cuatro amigas. El chico levantó la mano y mostró un porro. El monitor sacudió la cabeza dramáticamente. Había visto al grupo chapoteando antes. Me preguntaba cómo había iluminado ese porro. Debe haber habido una bolsa de plástico involucrada. De todos modos, dejó el agua y habló brevemente con los dos monitores y luego se dirigió a su toalla, tomando un par de soplos antes de sacar el porro y guardarlo en su bolso. No sé si fumar está permitido en la playa, pero aparentemente no está permitido en el agua. El chico parecía un poco drogado. Se detuvo en dos grupos diferentes de personas antes de encontrar su toalla. Las personas que detuvo al principio estaban todas en sillas con sombrillas. Su toalla estaba entre otras cuatro. No hay sillas No hay sombrillas No hay personas (todos estaban en el agua). No lo he hecho desde Georgetown (oh, he perdido el rastro de mi toalla muchas veces, pero no he fumado hierba).

Mis legales (recetas) se renuevan cada seis meses, momento en el que tengo que ver a mi doctora. Esto es parte del sistema de salud pública. Hacemos gran parte de nuestra gestión de salud a través de nuestro seguro de salud privado, pero las recetas están cubiertas por el sistema público. De todos modos, la semana pasada entré en línea e hice una cita con mi doctora para renovar mis recetas. Como resultado de la solicitud, me programaron una consulta telefónica en lugar de en persona. Mi doctora acaba de llamarme y se renuevan todas mis recetas. Salud pública. Estoy muy impresionado.

Y todavía estamos muy agradecidos por Mesón Salvador. La cena allí el lunes por la noche fue lo más destacado de la semana.

Lightly fried cod to share.
Bacalao frito para compartir.
SG waiting (impatiently) after I removed the fried cod for a photo opportunity.
SG esperando (impaciente) después de que quité el bacalao frito para una oportunidad para tomar una foto.
SG’s avocado and shrimp.
Aguacate con gambas.
Croquettes — chicken and octopus (and I splurged on French fries, because I felt sorry for myself).
Un surtido de croquetas (y derroché papas fritas, porque sentía pena por mí mismo).


This is what I used to do (when I got low, I got high). It only made things worse.
Esto es lo que solía hacer (cuando bajaba, subía). Solo empeoró las cosas.

Those Who Cannot Change Their Minds / Aquellos Que No Pueden Cambiar de Opinión

La versión español está después de la versión inglés.

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW wrote: “Those who cannot change their minds, cannot change anything.” I’m sure his intent was something profound, however, since our arrival in Spain in the summer of 2011, we have had three different sets of dining room furniture. We bought the first at IKEA in Sevilla when we arrived. That came with us to Fuengirola less than two years later and was quickly replaced by a contemporary glass and chrome table. The glass and chrome table became my office desk when we decided to live without a dining room and get a piano instead.

Well, we’re back to having a dining room. I’m so happy I even polished the brass candlesticks. More importantly, though, the cats are happy. And isn’t that why we exist? (Anyway, that’s what Dudo and Moose tell me and why would they lie?)


GEORGE BERNARD SHAW escribió: “Aquellos que no pueden cambiar de opinión, no pueden cambiar nada”. Estoy seguro de que su intención fue algo profundo, sin embargo, desde nuestra llegada a España en el verano de 2011, hemos tenido tres juegos diferentes de comedor. Compramos el primero en IKEA en Sevilla cuando llegamos. Eso vino con nosotros a Fuengirola menos de dos años después y fue reemplazado rápidamente por una mesa contemporánea de vidrio y cromo. La mesa de cristal y cromo se convirtió en el escritorio de mi oficina cuando decidimos vivir sin un comedor y comprar un piano.

Bueno, volvimos a tener un comedor. Estoy tan feliz que incluso pulí las velas de latón. Sin embargo, lo más importante es que los gatos son felices. ¿Y no es por eso que existimos? (De todos modos, eso es lo que Dudo y Moose me dicen y ¿por qué mentirían?)


Some of our dining rooms over the years. Three sets of furniture and 13 homes from 1981 to 2011. Three more sets and only two homes from 2011 to 2019.
Algunos de nuestros comedores a lo largo de los años. Tres juegos de muebles y 13 hogares de 1981 a 2011. Tres juegos más y solo dos hogares de 2011 a 2019.

I Had To Change


Shortly after I was diagnosed with, and began treatment for, clinical depression (see previous blog post), San Geraldo and I were on the move again. It was our third move in our five years together. From Boston, Massachusetts; to Los Angeles, California; to Washington D.C.; to New Haven, Connecticut.

I was doing well and didn’t seem to need any talk therapy. The antidepressant medication had done the trick. After about a year on the medication, I independently decided I was ready to go drug-free. I phased off the meds and continued to do well. However, over the course of the next year, without really realising it, I had begun to give myself those pep talks again to help me face the days. Finally, more than a year later, I had another major crash. I found a psychiatrist in New Haven and started back on Sinequan. He was a Freudian psychiatrist (so, let’s call him Sigmund) and hardly spoke. But that didn’t really matter to me. At first, I just wanted to talk and cry. But, after a few weeks, the medication levelled off my brain chemistry again and I was back to this new life I had been learning to live. I was no longer crying and only went to Sigmund for weekly med checks.

Since Sigmund didn’t talk, he didn’t help me to understand my condition any more clearly. I still thought I could get to a point where I wouldn’t need to take medication. So, I went through another cycle of about a year and half without medication before another crash. And I still wasn’t learning.

By the next crash (yet another), we were living in California (having moved from New Haven after 1-1/2 years to Guilford, Connecticut, and then to San Diego five years later where we celebrated our 12th anniversary). I found a psychiatrist who truly changed my life permanently (although I still had my stubborn moments).

When I insisted I didn’t need to be on medication forever, he asked, “Would you say that if you were diabetic?”

“That’s different,” I argued.

And thus began my real education on the “illness” called clinical depression. I’ve read that clinical depression is one-third each biological, brain chemistry, and inherited traits (if broken into quarters, the fourth would be hormones). Maybe an oversimplification, but my depression I’m sure has been partly a result of my childhood and later-life experiences. But many children have suffered much more troubled childhoods. And many adults have suffered much more painful lives. This is simply the way my brain responds. There’s nobody and no thing to blame. Besides, I’ve looked hard into my life experiences and, finally, there’s only me to face the result and survive it.


I know that physical activity is important for me. And healthy mental activity, too. But those alone are not enough. Unless there is some new revelation in the treatment of clinical depression, I now accept that I will likely always be on medication to treat it. And that’s fine with me. Sometimes, the medication may need to be changed or adjusted. That’s also fine with me. Yes, I do have some challenging times, but they’re nothing like those crashes I used to have. And, as I think about it, I probably wouldn’t give up my experience of this depression. Now that I’ve survived it, at least. It has played a large part in forming the person I am. I’m sure it’s where my humour was born. It taught me to be more honest with myself and with others. And it has certainly taught me to appreciate this life.

I’m still learning to forgive (myself and others) and to forget what doesn’t do me any good to remember. But, as long as I’m being honest, I haven’t forgiven everyone. And I haven’t forgotten everything. OK, and I can still be bitter, sarcastic, and acerbic. But not all the time. So, what the hell.

Many of you were very moved by my recent revelations and I’m so grateful for your support and understanding. But please don’t cry for me. I’m here to entertain you, enlighten you, charm and inform you. (Ain’t I grand?) I’m not here to depress you!

The truth is…

So, Hold On


A few months before my 32nd birthday, San Geraldo and I were heading home from a walk through our neighbourhood in Georgetown in Washington, D.C. We were talking about nothing in particular when I broke down and sputtered, “I can’t do this anymore.”

As I think back to this moment, I realise San Geraldo must have thought I was leaving him or had some terrible confession that would make him want to leave me. “What can’t you do?” he asked in concern.

Through sobs, I explained, “For months now, every night I go to bed and my last thought is, ‘I hope I don’t wake up in the morning. I hope I die in my sleep.’ “

Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is, ‘Oh fuck.’ “

I don’t remember the rest but I distinctly remember that opening.

After some discussion and lots of moral support, San Geraldo said I needed to “talk to someone.” When he saw I didn’t know where or how to begin, he said he would get me an appointment with “someone.”

He asked colleagues and got the name of a psychotherapist and I saw him the next afternoon. The therapist first had me fill out a long questionnaire, which I found kind of fun. I like questionnaires. We then talked. Well, I mostly cried. But the result was that he felt certain I suffered from clinical depression. Through a psychiatrist, I was prescribed an antidepressant called Sinequan.

This is now an old-style antidepressant with loads of side-effects, one of which was to make me really drowsy. I could only take the meds just before bedtime. That side-effect soon became a major bonus. I immediately began to sleep more soundly than I had ever slept.

Other side effects were more problematic for me — like cotton-mouth and reduced sex … um … “follow-through.” (How’s that for a euphemism?)


After a couple of weeks I began to notice a fairly dramatic change in my mood. In fact, I felt as if I were meeting a person I had never known before. I woke up one morning happy. I didn’t have to talk myself into facing the day. I couldn’t remember a time in my adult life when I had actually experienced that.

It wasn’t a complete turnaround but I no longer hoped to die in my sleep. So, I went to the drugstore and bought some Biotene toothpaste for the cotton mouth. I figured the sex issues were survivable. Besides, I had had an overactive sex drive to begin with.

And since My Mother the Dowager Duchess will read this, I’ll not say another word about sex.

I thought I’d be telling you today the entire story of my battles with clinical depression. But, as I began to write, I realised there’s a lot more to tell if the story is going to be of any use to anyone. I didn’t take pills for two weeks and solve all my problems. But I did discover that I wouldn’t mind sticking around for a good long while.

You know what’s really depressing? I have some great photos to share of that year (1986) in Georgetown but I can’t get my f$%&ing scanner to work. I’ve shared two shots from our home in Georgetown and will share more another time. So just listen to the music; smile if you’re able; and, well, hold on.

Everybody Hurts. Sometimes…