What is this feeling? / ¿Qué es lo que siento?

La versión en español está después de la versión en inglés.

I HAD A BAD DAY yesterday. I washed the lunch dishes, walked into San Geraldo’s office, and told him I was having a major crash and, although I knew I should keep myself busy or get out in the fresh air, I just didn’t have it in me. I was going to bed. He asked what was bothering me, but I was already out the door and muttered, “I can’t talk.” And I thought, ‘Whatever you do, please do not follow. I seriously can’t talk.’

We understand each other. He didn’t follow. I lay in bed with a song from the musical “Wicked” running through my head. It’s a duet. But, to me, it’s a solo. I’m a strong believer that, at some point in life, you need to take responsibility for yourself. No matter what kind of a crap childhood you’ve had, you’re finally no longer a child and you have to stop blaming others. Compared to many childhoods, mine was not crap at all, but I learned well the lesson that I would never be good enough. Or smart enough. I suppose I learned I would simply never be enough. It’s probably the only lesson I learned well. No blame. It’s what happened. I’m fine except when the brain chemistry is off and my clinical depression returns.

SG waited about an hour and then asked if he could join me. By that point, the answer was “yes.” We cuddled and talked and, although I still didn’t find anything in myself to like, I could at least talk about other things. I’m not looking for sympathy, or moral support, or words of encouragement. I simply thought I’d tell you about my Saturday.

I woke up this morning doubtful I would make it through Sunday. Just as I poured my tea, a text arrived from Kathleen and Pedro. Since they could once again cross into our municipality (they live 10 minutes away), and since it was 21°C (70F) and sunny, they decided to take the kids to the beach. Our beach. So I walked across the street and spent an hour with them. Luke is, as always, Luke. His name could be an adjective for sweet, kind, smart, thoughtful, clever, adorable. Beckett, who has since the start of the pandemic mostly scowled at me (click here), took a liking to me today and became my friend. He gave me toys, sand and seaweed. He inspected my camera — and poured sand on it. He was adorable (as you can see in the photos). I trusted his opinion of me, for a couple of hours. I just washed the lunch dishes and am now headed back to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

.

AYER TUVE UN MAL DÍA. Lavé los platos del almuerzo, entré a la oficina de San Geraldo, y le dije que estaba teniendo un momento difícil y, aunque sabía que debía mantenerme ocupado o salir al aire libre, simplemente no lo tenía en mí. Me iba a la cama. Me preguntó qué me molestaba, pero yo ya había salido por la puerta y murmuré: “No puedo hablar”. Y pensé: ‘Por favor no sigas. En serio, no puedo hablar’.

Nos entendemos. No lo siguió. Me acosté en la cama con una canción del musical “Wicked” corriendo por mi cabeza. Es un dueto. Pero, para mí, fue un solo. Creo firmemente en que, en algún momento de la vida, debes asumir la responsabilidad de ti mismo. No importa qué clase de infancia hayas tenido, finalmente ya no eres un niño y tienes que dejar de culpar a los demás. En comparación con muchas infancias, la mía no fue una mierda en absoluto, pero aprendí bien la lección de que nunca sería lo suficientemente bueno. O lo suficientemente inteligente. Bueno, aprendí que simplemente nunca sería suficiente. Probablemente sea la única lección que aprendí bien. Sin culpa. Eso es lo que pasó. Estoy bien, excepto cuando la química cerebral está apagada y mi depresión clínica regresa.

San Geraldo esperó aproximadamente una hora y luego preguntó si podía acompañarme. En ese momento, la respuesta fue “sí”. Nos abrazamos y hablamos y, aunque todavía no encontraba nada que me gustara, al menos podía hablar de otras cosas. No busco simpatía, apoyo moral, o palabras de aliento. Simplemente pensé en contarte sobre mi sábado.

Me desperté esta mañana con la duda de que pudiera pasar el domingo. Justo cuando serví el té, llegó un mensaje de texto de Kathleen y Pedro. Como pudieron volver a cruzar a nuestro municipio (viven a 10 minutos), y como hacía 21 ° C (70F) y sol, decidieron llevar a los niños a la playa. Nuestra playa. Así que crucé la calle y pasé una hora con ellos. Luke es, como siempre, Luke. Su nombre podría ser un adjetivo para dulce, amable, inteligente, reflexivo, inteligente, adorable. Beckett, quien desde el comienzo de la pandemia me ha fruncido el ceño (haz clic aquí), le gustó hoy y se convirtió en mi amigo. Me dio juguetes, arena y algas. Inspeccionó mi cámara y le echó arena. Era adorable (como puedes ver en las fotos). Confié en su opinión sobre mí — durante un par de horas. Acabo de lavar los platos del almuerzo y ahora me dirijo a la cama. Mañana es otro día.

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Author: Moving with Mitchell

From Brooklyn, New York; to North Massapequa; back to Brooklyn; Brockport, New York; back to Brooklyn... To Boston, Massachusetts, where I met Jerry... To Marina del Rey, California; Washington, DC; New Haven and Guilford, Connecticut; San Diego, San Francisco, Palm Springs, and Santa Barbara, California; Las Vegas, Nevada; Irvine, California; Sevilla, Spain. And Fuengirola, Málaga..

42 thoughts on “What is this feeling? / ¿Qué es lo que siento?”

  1. We love you Mitchell. It’s exhausting being depressed. You get your sleep and we are here across the border. See you soon!

    1. Kathleen:
      Seeing you all helped so much. It may not have lasted long, but it definitely helped! (And, my immediate thought to your comment was, “yeah, it’s exhausting being around me when I’m depressed.”

  2. Your photos of Beckett and SuperLuke really captured something wonderful–signs of the men they will become in those eyes and expressions. Glad they lightened your soul, even if only for a moment in time.

    XO, albeit virtually. Thinking of you.

    1. Mary:
      Beckett warmed my heart (as Luke ALWAYS does) and shocked Kathleen when he suddenly took a big interest in me. I’ve still got it.

  3. SG is spot-on right; he is a saint. He gave you space when you asked for it and then later joined and didn’t try to ‘do’ anything but to be with you. I hope we your readers do so likewise in our way here.

  4. Great photos, looks like a pretty day with wonderful people, looking forward to hearing from you again soon,

    1. David:
      It was a really gorgeous day. Lots of people on the Paseo but not many on the beach, which made our visit really pleasant. I couldn’t dig myself out of the hole today to blog, but I think I’m coming back.

  5. I’m sorry you had a bad day. It seems like so many people are struggling now, with holidays and pandemic woes on top of all our normal variations in brain chemistry. It sounds like SG knows exactly what to do when those bad days strike. As you said, Scarlett, tomorrow is another day!

    1. Steve:
      And the today that had been the tomorrow wasn’t any better. HOWEVER, this evening suddenly is. Fiddle-dee-dee

    1. Wilma:
      Luke is and always has been a joy. And Beckett made my day. He stared for a few minutes; I talked to him from probably about 10 feet away while I talked to Kathleen (Pedro and Luke were playing by the water), and suddenly he just got up and began to bring my things. I’ve got a friend!

  6. Who ever said life was easy surely lived in ‘la la land’.
    Thank you for sharing your Saturday with us, Mitchell.
    Can’t be easy when this happens but you do have a plan and know what works for you.
    SG is there as well. Nice.
    Kids can ‘cure’ almost anything. As can friends. Perfect timing.

    1. Jim:
      This gang has always made a bad day better. I’ve missed them. Doing much better this evening. Mine is not to question why. Maybe I just needed to check out for a bit.

    1. larrymuffin:
      Thank YOU. I almost didn’t post this, but I’ve shared plenty about my depression in the past and decided I wanted to continue to be open about it. Doing much better this evening.

  7. I’ll send you hugs anyway!!! We all have those days. Mine are unfortunately, when I get them, very angry and evil. hense my villainess side…you all don’t see often. I hope they vacate once the new administration takes over.

    And your good friends must have known you needed a bit of a pick me up. Everything happens for a reason I say.

    1. Mistress Maddie:
      Anger was a major component of my depression. That’s not so bad anymore. Not working for a living helped. I should have retired when I was 30!

  8. look how big luke has gotten! no longer a baby, but a young man! and becks is now walking & everything! amazing what time does.

    1. anne marie:
      Luke is 5 (as he proudly reminded me when i arrived). I thought he said “I’m fine!” So I said I was glad and I was, too. Kathleen told him to repeat himself. And, yeah, amazing to see the changes in Beckett. Fortunately they share videos so it wasn’t a shock. Of course, in their videos and photos, he is almost constantly smiling. He’s already 16 months old.

      1. since we don’t see those videos, the changes are amazing. thank you for sharing this cute family with us.

    1. Judy C:
      I really do exhaust myself. Just looked at the pics of Luke and Beckett again (and Kathleen) and I easily smiled.

  9. Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy la, la, la, lo, lo
    Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba, le, le, lo, lo
    Tooby ooby walla, nooby abba naba
    Early morning singing song

    I never realized ABBA was in there.

  10. Oh dear. This sounds serious and I don’t doubt that it IS. Not wishing to sound smug, but living alone doesn’t have the problem of wanting another person to keep out of one’s own hair – but I really DO understand.

    I don’t know any of the ‘Wicked’ songs so this is a bit if a discovery for me. In the second vid maybe it’s a carp too far to suggest that the two ‘figures’ are looking right past each other, but it’s still nice.

    1. Raybeard:
      Yes, this has been a pretty bad few days, but I think I’m surviving it and coming out the other side. Wicked has a few exceptional songs. I’ll share some again so you can get a taste. I included the second video simply because, well, Spanish… and it was the same guy singing both parts, which fit what I was saying. But, I also thought “they” looked like they were looking past each other.

  11. I happen to be reading a book that you should read – The Hilarious World of Depression by John Moe. You will find many answers in it. I think it hits most of us – certainly some answers for me.

  12. I just wanted you to know that your blog is one of my go-to, look-forward to in the morning. Thanks Mitchell and I hope you are jumping over walls again very soon.
    Tom and Dimi

    1. Tom and Dimi:
      Thanks so much for your kind comment. I walked by that wall again the other day and I said to myself “What the hell were you thinking?!?”

  13. I can share your emotional down, and yet it’s so nice that you and SG know each other so well that you can ask him not to follow and he won’t; and that he can then ask to come in, and you say Yes. And that, when you’re ready, good friends can help rescue you.
    Take time, know we’re here when you photograph, and blog, and leap walls, and wrestle cats, and share great meals with SG.

    Hugs and love from across the pond.

    1. Bob:
      Thanks and I’m sending a major hug your way. I’m suddenly coming out of the abyss. Mine is not to reason why. And, yes, after 39 years, SG and I understand what’s needed and when. I went out for a walk this evening, finally. Bought another black & white cookie for us to share. SG is making goulash for dinner. And I’m actually looking forward to having a different kind of day tomorrow.

  14. Those boys are pure light. Just the thing on days like you were having. I hope that by the time you read this it will be tomorrow in Spain and you’ll wake up feeling a little bit better! xx

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