La versión en español está después de la versión en inglés.
I’ve mentioned that the days have been emotionally challenging. San Geraldo hasn’t been faring any better. I’ve avoided telling him exactly what’s going on in my head. We went to Restaurante Primavera last night for dinner, just the two of us, and SG asked, “Do you ever think about suicide?” I had a couple of false starts with a response. I wanted to say, ‘Does Howdy Doody have a wooden ass?’ But, I finally responded, “Every day.” We talked a bit about what we’ve both been thinking and then he asked what stops me. I told him I’ve promised myself to outlive him and The Kid Brother. So, obviously I’m not that far along in the process. Still, don’t tell my doctor, please.
Anyway, we talked about why we’re both feeling so hopeless — as if we really needed to wonder. We agree some days to not read any news. It’s horrific and depressing, and we can’t do anything about the major world issues that overwhelm us. Then we go and add another online news source to our lists and we check all of them several times a day. We rarely discuss the news to avoid bringing each other down. I wake up some nights and wonder if the Mediterranean Sea has reached our door (I have a friend who refuses to live here on the beach for that very reason). Then I remember there’s no need to worry about that because World War III is looming.
SG and I talked about the wars and abuses around the world. We talked about climate change. Having our worries out in the open enabled us to have a pleasant dinner followed by freshly made soft-serve vanilla ice cream with hot fudge and chocolate adornments. Of course we had decaffeinated coffee with sugar substitute. We’re nothing if not inconsistent. And we’re two of the lucky ones who can still enjoy ice cream with hot fudge sauce, for now at least. We both woke up this morning feeling more prepared to face the world. Communication is a wonderful thing and, again, we’re fortunate to have that privilege.
I didn’t get to the gym yesterday but I at least managed a walk on the beach and around town. The sky was majestic. We had some more rain early in the day and again late at night. I was finding shredded paper all over the living room, so Dudo’s second piece of tissue paper is history. I’ll have to find him something new. You can see below what a great time he had. I also need to buy him more string mice. The one in the video (with the tissue paper) is the last of its kind. At least it’s not a victim of climate change.
The beach photos are from yesterday. Sunrise photos are from this morning. Yesterday was my sister-friend, Susan’s, birthday. The meme at top is something she shared with me in the last weeks of her life, not much more than a year ago.
He mencionado que los días han sido emocionalmente desafiantes. A San Geraldo no le ha ido mejor. He evitado decirle exactamente lo que está pasando por mi cabeza. Anoche fuimos a cenar al Restaurante Primavera, solo nosotros dos, y SG preguntó: “¿Alguna vez piensas en el suicidio?”. Tuve un par de comienzos en falso con una respuesta. Quería decir: “¿Howdy Doody tiene un trasero de madera?” Pero finalmente respondí: “Todos los días”. Me preguntó cómo lo haría, pero no se lo dije. Luego me preguntó qué me detenía y le dije que me había prometido sobrevivir a él y a El Hermanito. Entonces, obviamente no estoy tan avanzado en el proceso. Aún así, no se lo digas a mi médico, por favor.
De todos modos, hablamos de por qué ambos nos sentimos tan desesperados, como si realmente necesitáramos preguntarnos. Acordamos algunos días no leer ninguna noticia. Es horrible y deprimente, y no podemos hacer nada respecto de los principales problemas mundiales que nos abruman. Luego agregamos otra fuente de noticias en línea a nuestras listas y las revisamos todas varias veces al día. Rara vez hablamos de las noticias para evitar deprimirnos unos a otros. Algunas noches me despierto y me pregunto si el mar Mediterráneo habrá llegado a nuestra puerta (tengo una amiga que se niega a vivir aquí en la playa por esa misma razón). Entonces recuerdo que no hay necesidad de preocuparse por eso porque se avecina la Tercera Guerra Mundial.
SG y yo hablamos sobre las guerras y los abusos en todo el mundo. Hablamos del cambio climático. Tener nuestras preocupaciones a la vista nos permitió disfrutar de una agradable cena seguida de un suave helado de vainilla recién hecho con chocolate caliente y adornos de chocolate. Por supuesto tomamos café descafeinado con sustituto del azúcar. No somos más que inconsistentes. Y somos dos de los afortunados que todavía podemos disfrutar de un helado con salsa de chocolate caliente, al menos por ahora. Ambos nos despertamos esta mañana sintiéndonos más preparados para afrontar el mundo. La comunicación es algo maravilloso y, nuevamente, somos afortunados de tener eso privilegio.
Ayer no fui al gimnasio, pero al menos logré caminar por la playa y por la ciudad. El cielo era majestuoso. Llovió un poco más temprano en el día y nuevamente a última hora de la noche. Empecé a encontrar papel triturado por toda la sala, por lo que el segundo trozo de papel de seda de Dudo es historia. Tendré que encontrarle algo nuevo. Podéis ver a continuación lo bien que lo pasó. También necesito comprarle más ratones de hilo. El del vídeo (con el papel de seda) es el último de este tipo. Al menos no es víctima del cambio climático.
Las fotos de la playa son de ayer. Las fotos del amanecer son de esta mañana. Ayer fue el cumpleaños de mi hermana y amiga Susan. El meme de arriba es algo que compartió conmigo en las últimas semanas de su vida, hace no mucho más de un año.
Click the thumbnails to enlarge.
Haz clic en las miniaturas para ampliar.
Sending ❤️.
Chrissoup:
Thanks. Hearts (and love) always appreciated.
Something about wisdom and things we can control rattles in my brain. Besides the cats need you two. Take care, do things that heal your being, see you in a few weeks,
David:
Some days, all I can muster is a return to bed. Yesterday, I. mustered a lot more than that.
Queen – The Show must go on.
Karen:
Queen — “But my smile, still, stays on”
Indeed. Been there, and likely will return, depending on circumstances. I have given up on American news, even the Post, though I have been following the Speaker debacle our of sheer Schadenfreude. That helps lot, and I just check in at France 24. US news is thrives on speculation and inflation these days, I never realized how much till I started reading Continental news. I say Continental because the BBC had gotten just as bad as the American. What to do? I’m not much of an activist. The times I have gone out to try to effect change didn’t turn out well. I vote. I refuse to be taken in by hype. That is what is in my power.
wickedhamster:
I like The Guardian. So far today, I haven’t looked at the news. Let’s see how long I last. The speculation really drives me nuts (but, obviously, not as nuts as the complete misrepresentation of the facts… i.e., the lying).
PS: “Does Howdy Doody have a wooden ass?” will now be incorporated into my working vocabulary.
wickedhamster:
Still one of my favorites, although less and less people even know who Howdy Doody is (was).
Sending you and San G hugs and kisses.
Anon:
Thanks for those!
Those hugs and kisses were from me, Shirley. Who knows why I sometimes show up as anonymous.
Shirley,
I liked the hugs and kisses. Now I like them even more. Thanks.
It is impossible not to be depressed these days by international news. Talking about and sharing our worries helps, though, rather than just silently brooding, so glad you and SG had that heart-to-heart.
Debra:
Yesterday was a better day for us both. The world lately kicks my brain chemistry into under-drive.
I guess we are existentialists at heart.
I feel some sense of both relief and futility knowing that THE asteroid will eventually wipe out all remnants of human existence.
I love the ocean and envy you every day.
Perhaps Moose needs some live mice…
Frank:
Oh, I know what you mean about the asteroid. I don’t know what Moose would do with live mice (if anything), but if we had them around here, Dudo would be bringing us gifts all the time.
So glad you two had an open, brutally honest discussion; it’s painful, I imagine, but things need to be said and I’m glad you two said them, and heard them.
It’s an ugly world right now but maybe that pendulum will swing back and things will get better. If not, take heart in the fact that your little part of the world is filled with love and laughter and cat faces and good friends, both those you know well, and those you know in the blog world.
💓💓💓💓
Bob:
Sometimes I wonder if I’m seeing a battleship on the horizon. But battleships don’t have water slides. It’s easy to lose hope and easy to find it again every so often.
I have two people I can have this kind of conversation with and we do talk. It makes us feel better to get out our feelings and fears. I think many honest people are doing this. Glad you put it all out there. We may feel we are alone but we aren’t.
sillygirl:
Susan was my go-to person (other than SG). She and I would talk every week and, no matter how bad we were feeling at the start, we always ended up feeling better. I sometimes worry about burdening SG. But, you’re so right about not being alone.
A psychologist once told us that ‘our bowls’ are pretty filled up with marbles and beginning to overflow. He helped us to, if not empty our respective bowls, but also to spill out a few marbles to make some room for future ones…….because we know there will be more challenges ahead.
I remember when my mother, who was manic depressive, just couldn’t get out of bed. I used to go and sit with her and to get her to talk about things bothering her. She would tell me a few things that were getting her down.
By spilling a few of the ‘marbles’ out of that bowl of hers always made her feel a little better and she would get up and face the day.
Keep talking with SG and here. I am sure it does help you two to know there are people listening and caring about you both.
Jim:
Is that where the expression “losing one’s marbles” originated?
Good question! So in this context losing one’s marbles can be a good thing.
I’ve spilled so many marbles!!!!!
Ron,
I lost most of mine.
I must be luckier than some ‘cos I think of suicide only extremely infrequently, and even then it’s only the most fleeting of thoughts, never sustained longer than for a millisecond. But very high on the arguments against my doing it is that I simply cannot contemplate having left my cats alone afterwards. Does that aspect figure at all in your own thoughts, dare I ask?
Cats are so funny when playing (as well as every other time). They take it all so seriously!
Anon:
Given my depression issues, suicide has been on my mind often since my teens. And when the reasons (like the cats) for not doing it pop into my head, I know I’ve got nothing to worry about.
Once again, Mitch, the Anon was me. Don’t know why it’s doing this. I normally check that my name has come up but replying to you, for some reason there’s a bit of a delay and I have to remember to come back to it. Anyhows, thanks for taking the trouble to reply.
Oh bother! ‘Anon’ is ME!
Raybeard,
I can usually tell it’s you, as in the most recent follow-up. Sorry I missed it on the first round. Thanks, as always.
Watching you shine from across the pond. You have always been a sparkle in my life…even 50 years later. Love to you and SG.
Anon:
I don’t know in whose life I’m sparkling, but thanks!
Mitchell, wonderful you and SG can discuss your thoughts and feelings. It is challenging to be happy right now with everything that is going on. I am normally a pretty happy person. My Mum is having some difficulties lately and is dealing with mental and physical problems so I found myself rather unhappy lately. I loved the video of Dudo! Take care.❤️
Robin:
The world doesn’t make it easy, does it? I will keep you and your mom in my heart.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and am still alive to wear it at 67 (gasp!). Heads up, boobs out. You have a lot of folks who love you. (((Scoot SG)))
Deedles:
You always make me feel better. Now I’m going to ponder how to get my boobs out.
Just take off your shirt, sweetie, and let nature take its course. Works for me.
Deedles,
Aha! I took off my shirt and realized I don’t have boobs!
Putting thoughts of you aside in the south of France
Would I think of suicide?
Darling, shall we dance?
Could I live through the pain on a terrace in Spain?
Would it pass?
It would pass
Sondheim always has the answer. Jx
Jon:
One of my many favorite Sondheim songs that I now can’t get out of my head. Time to watch it performed on YouTube. Sondheim does always have the answer:
It’s the last midnight,
So, goodbye all.
Coming at you fast, midight-
Soon you’ll see the sky fall.
No, of course what really matters
Is the blame,
Somebody to blame.
Fine, if that’s the thing you enjoy,
Placing the blame,
If that’s the aim,
Give me the blame-
Just give me the boy.
Jx
Jon,
You and I would be dangerous together. We’d be constantly breaking into song.
Hang in there, Mitchell. Please, hang in there.
Kirk:
If I’m talking about it, I’m hanging in.
Without question, the last five years have sucked shit through a straw and it’s almost impossible to avoid situational depression when the world seems to lurch from crisis to crisis. Unplugging from 24-hour media coverage on TV and the internet has helped me to stop worrying about existential crap I have no control over anyway. Swiss chocolate and adorable animal videos like Dudo’s help too, LOL!
Tundra Bunny:
I HAVE been watching a lot of adorable animal videos lately… and eating a lot of chocolate.
String mice. LOL! Makes me think “string cheese for cats.” You put a smile (and a bit of a smirk) on my face!
Walt the Fourth:
You do the same for me. Thanks. I think string mice are produced using the same process as string cheese.
I was suicidal for a long time. I’m glad you and SG could talk. I couldn’t have any good discussions with X because all he would ever say was It is what it is, which is tantamount to saying I don’t care. So keep talking, you two. Medication flipped a switch in my brain. That dish of ice cream is gorgeous, and the photos of the sky aren’t bad either, Scoot. I’m sure glad Deedles is back. I don’t like a Deedlesless blogosphere.
Love,
Janie
Janiejunebug,
Medication changed my life but, as you know , it can sometimes still be a struggle. Oh how I hate “It is what it is”!
It is normal to think of suicide especially when there are feelings of trapped and hopelessness. It is OK to feel them and talk about them.
Urspo,
Thanks for that. The thoughts are rarely far from my mind. A lifetime of them. But they have almost always been simply thoughts.
It seems that since March 2020 the world has gone topsy turvy and our lives have been disrupted. The troubles all over the world and climate change is enough to make anyone wonder is there a future, where will we be in 5 years. But I then I think of the 20th Century and the world wars, the great depression, epidemics and many other troubles. People made it through and life goes on.
I think that you have to believe and hope, sounds corny but it is true. Talking it out does help, you have each other. Do stay away from the news, we do not need that much information of things that we cannot do anything about.
Larrymuffin,
I take it back to 2016 and Trump as president. Then back to 2001 and the terror attacks on US soil. Then back to Ronald Reagan. It’s always something.
You and SG are blessed to have each other. When my sister died more than seven years ago, I lost the only person I could talk to about anything and everything. I miss her constantly. Death is often on my mind and always has been, but I don’t think I would ever act on any of those thoughts for a variety of reasons. I’m glad you’re feeling somewhat better now.
Kelly:
So sorry about you losing your sister. It’s so hard to lose your “person.” I’m glad you have a variety of reasons to not act on your thoughts. Keep finding reasons.
I know exactly what you mean about news fatigue and hopelessness. I check my news sites every day too and sometimes wonder whether I should. I honestly don’t think about suicide — I think the problems facing the world will probably outlive me, and maybe that’s unrealistically optimistic — but I do thank God every day that I never had children.
Oh, that last comment was me. I think I forgot to log in. Hmmm…
Steve:
I have that thought all the time “thank God I never had children.” I don’t say it in front of my friends with kids. I hope this becomes just another era in history that future generations shake their heads at.